Monday, September 05, 2005
1:29 AM
2nd entry.
I guess Im really feeling the blues.
This nite I feel empty.
Whole semester of emotions running so wild and loose. Minutes passed where I just stare emptily into the sound of my computer. The clock ticks as time passes with no boundaries. Pictures on my walls, television, table, computer stares back with such beautiful memories.
Yet I feel Ive failed them all. My mind seems to be running on energies which are highly contaminated with thoughts & emotions. My calendar of work, exams , assignments are piled messily. Yet, none of them are actually being input correctly and saved in my head. I walk aimlessly in every corner I turned, with my rock/punk/screaming music tuned up to block out any other things. Behind my shades I walked on this beautiful earth.
For once I feel that empty. *shrugs* Im not that person who I am 4 months ago. Ever since I went back to Singapore. That sad feeling Ive got returning to a country where it seems everything around me is a total stranger. I walked on the Streets of Singapore like a ghost with visible clothes. I sat at NYDC at noons with my book, salads and tea to pass my time and watch those people walk passed. People stared as though I was crazy to be alone in my corner consuming words of fictions & simplicity moments. My style no one appreciated. Personality crisis one said. What a total turn off.
Appreciation was thin. Stares that thick. I really wonder. Wonder n Ponder. Then a msg came that lighten those holidays. Yet, I left for Hk for another start. Back to Melb I came with an unprepared heart. To my fav room. Many more events took place till this minute. Cloudiness covered my entire sky. Short term smiles i seek from nature and jokes inbetween yet. Im empty and gone.
My faith in religon has been a topsy ride. So hilly. My emotions went off track without a guide. Goals and tracks are laid out for me, I see them, I wrote them, I touch them. However, Im can't find my guide in myself.
There was story about God & the footsteps in the sand. When theres one footstep, thats because god is carrying us along. I feel like the cold air that walks quietly on that silent beach. With that hollering wind & loud waves. I guess.
I hold out my hand yearning for someone whose really there to hold on to me. Family is here patiently, friends are. Yet I am alone in Clayton. As my fingers typed away on this faithful keyboard, I quietly shed a tear. 3 weeks. To get hold of myself. *shrugs*
Strength, Calmness, Faith, Hope is all I need now.
Good nite world. Theres another reality ready to pounce on me in a few hours
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